Relentless Positivity: Be Irrationally Optimistic. It'll pay off!

I can be a bit of a downer. I'm an introvert who prefers to be alone, I easily get pissed off about minor inconveniences, and I'm really damn good at coming up with insults, criticisms and picking other people apart. I'd make a good insult-comic, dominating roast battles by just being a legitimate asshole, mocking and nitpicking and tearing things apart. It just comes naturally to me.

If left to my default-setting I could easily devolve into the old man peeking through his curtains, muttering under his breath that his idiot neighbor has let their grass get too long, and why don't those kids pull up their damn pants, and what the hell is everyone walking around smiling about like a bunch of dumbasses? I know enough to know that I don't want that future. I want to be the kind of person who I would like to be around, and nobody wants to be around that person. It takes conscious daily effort but I have developed a winning strategy to combat my worst impulses: Relentless Positivity.

We all have things to bitch about, and some of them are even valid. I hear it all day long from friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. Everything sucks, it's unfair, it's all bullshit. To quote George Carlin, everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac. It's too hot outside right up to the day it gets too cold, and the service in every store either sucks or they won't leave you the hell alone! It's a tale as old as time, which is a stupid, outdated saying. You get the point. Being negative is easy, and can feel pretty damn good in the moment, giving you a sense of righteousness and superiority over whatever you're whining about.

If I may enlighten you with one more thing that pisses me off, it's that book The Secret that tells gullible rubes that they can just wish all of their dreams into existence (ok, I'm done with the negativity, I promise). However, the most frustrating thing about that book is that it's partially true - you can manifest good things into your life with the power of positive thinking - just not in the way that is portrayed in the book! I am a firm believer that you get back from the universe what you put out into it. It isn't mystical or magical, it isn't manifesting or conjuring or bending the universe through sheer force of will - it's regular old probability.

Compare these two scenarios:

1. You're a miserable asshole, walking around complaining to anyone who will listen. You greet strangers with a scowl and are quick to anger when things aren't going your way. You always look on the negative side and feel a sense of superiority whenever you get to cast yourself as the victim. Taking someone down a notch gives you a rush and no mistake is ever forgiven. Nobody ever forgave you so why should you forgive anyone else? They're probably a prick anyway. The inevitable result from this mindset is a self-fulfilling prophecy where people are repelled by you, they scowl back when they see you, they refuse to do you any favor and don't want to spend any more time with you than is absolutely necessary. The negativity compounds on itself, and now the lens through which you view the world is tinted with shit. You put out negative energy all over the place and all you get back is more of the same.

2. You counter negativity with a smile. When a friend or co-worker whines about a setback you sympathize with the frustration but follow it up by explaining what an opportunity it will be for personal growth and testing their resilience. When someone cuts in front of you in line, instead of cursing them out you shrug your shoulders, consider that maybe they didn't notice you, and remind yourself that you aren't actually in a hurry. The stranger, having not just been cursed out, notices you, apologizes, and you end up having a friendly chat while you wait in line. You never lead with negativity, you walk into every room with a smile, and doors begin to open for you. Soon people want to be your friend, you are getting job offers because someone recommended that really kind and friendly person that they know, and potential romantic partners are drawn to you. You say please and thank you to absolutely everyone, apologize even when it isn't your fault, hold doors open for strangers and refrain from gossiping about anyone. You are always charitable when assessing misunderstandings and acknowledge that every single human on Earth is a good person, even if they weren't able to show you that side of them.

The secret to The Secret is that it isn't a secret at all, it's right there for anyone to test for themselves. Don't close your eyes and picture the life that you want and then open them expecting it to fall into your lap. Be a ray of light in a dark world, illuminating the path to the future that you deserve. Being a good person is it's own reward, but even from a purely transactional perspective it is in your best interest to live a life of relentless positivity because you'll get much more of what you want.

A smile is the simplest gesture of kindness that we could extend to a stranger, and they're completely free. Asking a cashier how their day is going makes the interaction less awkward. Waving at a small child in the car next to you might put a smile on their face, and returning a found wallet (with the cash still in it) will give you a sense of pride that will last a lifetime. I ask people questions and genuinely want to know the answers, and it makes them feel great that somebody cares. And my own dirty little secret is that I make all of these people feel good for entirely selfish reasons.

I want people to like me. I want them to treat me favorably, maybe even owe me a favor. When people see me walk into a room I want them to feel good about my presence, and when I'm not around I want them to say good things about me. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm a co-dependent people pleaser who places entirely too much emphasis on what other people think. But believe me when I say, it works.

I know all of this is from a 38-year personal experiment, which is ongoing. Like A/B testing, I have tried two different lifestyles to see which gave the more desirable results. I've always been nice, but I used to act a lot nicer than I actually was. Deep down I hated 2/3 of the people I met and didn't have very much nice to say about anything, but I could turn on the charm when it suited me. At age 20 I wanted people to like me because I was just so fucking cool, and obviously when they get a sense of my legendary coolness they would all line up to be my new best friend, even if I didn't actually like or respect them.

And sure, it worked for a while. I had friends, people seemed to enjoy my company and laughed at my jokes and I was invited to all the coolest parties, but being positive was the antithesis of cool. In retrospect I was a vampire, feeding off the good will of others and offering none in return. People deserved better from me and my outcomes reflected that. Doors didn't open for me. Friendships felt superficial. I had an overall negative view of the world and its inhabitants, and lived a largely negative life.

It was a conscious decision to approach every day of my life in a way that would add a small amount of joy to the days of others. I'm nicer now, and being nicer has led to more personal and professional success. I'm always positive, even to the point where it pisses people off. My co-worker is denied the promotion and I tell them that this is a great opportunity to reassess their path and explore other options. Every time someone tells me about a relationship ending I say "That's great!" because nothing is worse than dragging out a bad relationship past it's expiry date. I am genuinely optimistic about problems and setbacks, and not everyone wants to hear it. It feels good to bitch, it's a relief to vent, and when someone smiles at your problems and tells you it's all good it can be really frustrating, but I can't count the number of times people have walked away from a bitch-fest with me and had a more productive outlook on their situation. And they come back to vent to me again, so I figure they're getting some benefit from my mindset.

The true test comes when someone does legitimately drive like an asshole or treat you in a disrespectful way, and you have to remind yourself that this asshole is someone's best friend, and they are likely having a worse day than you are, or they're embarrassed that they just screwed up and they're doubling down to hide their embarrassment. It's easy to spread joy when things are going well or when the problems belong to someone else! I haven't been 100% successful is suppressing my anger and negativity, but at the very minimum I can celebrate the tiny success of recognizing and combatting it.

The negativity still lives within me but every day I choose to walk around with a smile on my face, showing it to strangers in an attempt to illicit one in response. I swat away other people's complaints like a tennis master, and I always come armed with a few go-to responses that can re-define negativity. I'll leave them for you here to use when trying to spread positivity in your own life.

"Things are never so bad that they couldn't be worse!"

"Bad things will always happen, but it's how you respond to it that counts."

"Nothing is as good or as bad as it seems."

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

J. Thomas Peterman

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